Somewhere Now by Green Day

I was driving down 680, windshield wipers going, tears pouring down my face.  I was on my way to an appointment with a therapist and it probably wasn’t raining.  The rain simply adds to the drama of the situation, like any good country song, except that it wasn't a country song.  You get my point. 

I had recently ended things with the first steady relationship of sorts I had been in since my divorce.   I say “of sorts” because it wasn’t exclusive (at least for him), which I knew, and we weren’t meant to be in the long term, which I also knew, but it still hurt.  He behaved badly in the end and he later apologized and made up for things.  However in the moment, it really hurt and I did not take it well.  I was also very disappointed because he was supposed to go to the upcoming Green Day show with me and had booked an AirBnB.  It was going to be an epic show held at the UC Theatre, with a capacity of a mere 1,200 people.  I was going to get to see Green Day, in a very small venue, in a town where they wrote several songs.  I was honestly still in shock that I had managed to score the tickets. 

I had been listening to their new album on repeat in anticipation.  That’s how I found myself driving, tears pouring down my face, listening to Somewhere Now.  “I’m on my way to somewhere now…. I don’t want to be.  Where the future and promises … aren’t what it’s meant to be.  I never wanted to compromise or bargain with myself.”  In spite of my current state of misery, I was suddenly struck by the scene.  I could’ve been in a movie at that moment, blubbering and crying and singing in the car about such a sad, sad moment.  It was so very dramatic!  Our heroine sadly didn’t meet the man of her dreams in the waiting room of the therapist’s office… nor did she get pulled over and the handsome cop took pity on her.  She simply went to her appointment at the horrid Kaiser offices in Walnut Creek where she sat in a chair, not even a couch, an uncomfortable chair, and blubbered for about 45 minutes.  She then picked up the pieces of her life and kept going.  Or as the song says: "Hallelujah she found her soul under the sofa pillow!  Congratulations she found her self - Somewhere Now."  She also had the time of her life at the show.  Logan is the world’s best wing woman – together we pulled up our boots (over the knee for her, original Doc’s for me), let down our hair, and rocked out in the pit, close enough to see the band’s facial expressions.  Unforgettable night. 

The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground

"Alright stop what you're doing", I say to my children for not the first time today.  And just like that I am transported back to 7th grade, biting my tongue so I don't continue singing the wholly inappropriate lyrics.  Mind you, the lyrics were no less inappropriate for my 12-year old self.  It's a song about a guy with a big nose who has a lot of sex...in a lot of places....in a lot of positions.  My favorite lyric was about him having sex in a Burger King bathroom.  I'm thankful to say I honestly didn't understand most of the innuendo back then. I grew up naive and am forever grateful that I did.  What I did know was that the song was naughty.

What was even more shocking to me was watching my friend dance to it in my living room.  I remember standing there, mouth likely agape, watching my friend move around in a decidedly sexual and far too mature for us kind of way.  I honestly felt a little uncomfortable watching her because it just felt inappropriate.  I don't know where she learned it - her family didn't have a TV and this was well before the internet.  Perhaps she was already hanging around with older kids.   I don't think it was the actual Humpty Dance, which I can say now with authority because I just googled it.  I also googled "what came before twerking".  I am going to describe what she was doing for you as a combination of freaking and grinding.  To this day these are not dance moves I am capable of pulling off with any hint of seriousness.

Right around the time that song was very popular, I remember being in San Francisco on Pier 39 with my family or maybe on a school field trip.  My dad brags to me that he just saw the Humpty Hump guy.  He said you can't miss the nose.  It would've been a better sell if my dad had said he saw the guy coming out of a Burger King bathroom. Talk about a missed opportunity.  And also, it turns out the big nose was fake - he wore Groucho glasses as part of his alter ego.  Thinking back on all of this, I think it's probably highly unlikely that the Humpty Hump guy would've been wandering around Pier 39, of all places, dressed as his alter ego.  At the time though I chose to believe my dad was just that cool and a keen observer.  In fact, my dad was probably hoping I would go up to him and ask if it was really him. That's my dad's sense of humor in a nutshell. 

Womanizer by Britney Spears

I was recently talking to my driver about my semi-serious intention to pursue a side career as a stand up comic. Yes, I have a driver, but before you start thinking I am so very fancy, he is not my personal driver. My company has an agreement with a car service that we can use instead of Uber when we are in Dallas.  The car service only has Teslas, they plant a tree every time you book a ride, and why yes, maybe I am that fancy.  Use eCarra.  They are awesome.  Anyway, back to my career in comedy.  Are you laughing yet? 

My driver asked what my punchline is and I said that I do not have one yet, but my future agent also said I need one.  I started to fret because just like my former blog, not this blog, I worried that I didn’t have a theme, a hook, a voice, whatever you want to call it, I worried that I didn’t have one.  He said I should tell dating stories.  He also said I’m cute enough to pull it off, which I am not sure is completely relevant, but I will take the compliment.  I proceeded to tell him a dating story.  

I once went on a date with a recovering Latter Day Saint.  He asked what on earth that meant and I explained that the guy was from Utah, but no longer part of the church. After our first date, I invited him to take me to a birthday party in Sonoma.  He had a convertible and I thought he would be fun for the day and he generally was.  We had good conversation on the drive up and he was confident enough at a party full of people he had never met.  I like this because it leaves me free to be the social butterfly I am.  On our way back, stopped at a red light in American Canyon, I leaned over to kiss him in the car.  He recoils, horrified, and says that people will see.  I was mystified and asked if he meant the person in the car behind us?  I then turned and waved at the person behind us who waved back.  My date then accused me of being an exhibitionist, noting that I kissed him in front of the car after the party.  Outside the car, where people would see.  THE HORROR.  Apparently this one was still very much a recovering Latter Day Saint and for me, that was a deal breaker.  There are plenty of things I could and would do in public that would shock the hell out of him, but kissing shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’m so distracted by the weirdness that I almost forgot to explain the relevance of the song.  He put some music on in the car.  Not just any music, he played Britney Spears.  You know what, scratch that, we are still in the weird zone here and I am still completely on topic.  The song we were singing along to was Womanizer.  Let’s just think about that for a moment!  The guy afraid to kiss me…. In the car….chose to play and sing along to Womanizer.  Boy don’t try to front, I know just who you are.

Freedom by Pharrell Williams

You all know about Pavlov’s dog, right?  He rang a bell whenever his dog was eating and eventually the dog would salivate upon simply hearing a bell.  Thanks to Lucy at the YMCA, I now have a sudden urge to do squats whenever I hear the chorus of Freedom.  I joined the YMCA almost 4 years ago and while I wouldn’t quite call it a second home, I would certainly call myself a frequent visitor.  I’ve always been a gym rat as opposed to an athlete.  I don’t play team sports and never have.  The only team I was on was the marching band.  I am however a big fan of individual sports like skiing, swimming, cycling, and ice skating.  I joined the YMCA because of its proximity to the preschool, lots of people I know are members, and you can’t beat the value for the price!  They have a single parent rate, the childcare is included (this is rare in the gym world), a pool, and many, many extra activities like swim lessons, ballet, and cross fit for kids.  I’m a fan.  The kids and I have met several new friends at the Y and it’s a really friendly place. 

Possibly because I was never an athlete, I do much better when I am working out with instructors as opposed to simply working out and developing my own workouts.  Back in the day I was all about step aerobics.  Then came spin which I am grateful is still a thing.  I later started pilates and body pump, then moved into yoga.  The latest and greatest in workouts nowadays is HIIT, which stands for High Intensity Interval Training.  It’s a 25 minute workout which is fantastic for my lifestyle.  I get a head to toe, super challenging workout in under 30 minutes.  All of the instructors at the Y are excellent, but today I’m going to rave about Lucy.  She is creative and challenging, kind and informative, and most of all entertaining.  She also has excellent taste in music, which if we’re being honest, is what makes or breaks a workout for me.  Once in a while she will do a warm up routine that is somewhat choreographed to the music, specifically Freedom.  I say somewhat because really the only choreography is to do squats when he says Freedom.  And thanks to Lucy, I now have a very Pavlovian response to the song.  I resist the temptation almost always because I imagine it would be really odd if I were to start doing squats in the aisle at Safeway.  Freedom!

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling by the Righteous Brothers

It was a Saturday evening and my bestie Nikki was over at my place.  We were drinking wine and listening to music and hanging out.  It was my favorite kind of night. I love having the kind of place where friends want to be.  I always have food in the house, a drink to pour, and music and laughter a plenty.  We had been at a birthday party earlier in the day and on the way home, the boy I liked so very, very much texted me to see what I was up to that evening. I invited him to stop by as long as he was ok with sharing me with a friend and the kiddos.  He was. 

We all piled into the kitchen, kids, Nikki, the boy and I.  It was right around Valentine’s Day and I had a few decorations up.  One of them is a spinner with romantic options like Kiss Your Partner Anywhere, Tickle Your Partner or Whisper Something Naughty in your Partner’s Ear.  He spun the wheel while looking at me and says out of the corner of his mouth: "This is somewhat inappropriate...."  Luckily he landed on Sing a Love Song.  He ponders what the Top Gun song was and then starts to sing:  "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips...."  If you remember, it’s the scene in the bar with the jukebox and everyone joins in.  Just like in the movie, Nikki and I immediately join in, Nikki complete with a wooden spoon (for she was stirring something up on the stove) for a microphone.  We sang the entire song together and it was amazing.  So much smiling and laughing. 

The boy eventually had to leave for his next stop of the evening. Nikki and I spent a couple minutes after he left all kinds of happy and chattering because my bestie had finally met the boy I liked.  Girls will be girls and some things never change.  We finished up making dinner and enjoyed the rest of our evening.  I'm thinking about her today because my bestie is coming back soon (for she has moved away....) and I miss her!

Little Black Submarines by the Black Keys

Sometime in 2018, were hanging out with our besties since Kindergarten, who conveniently lived just around the corner.  As per always, I had a playlist going and a Black Keys song comes on.  Jessica commented that the Black Keys are a band she'd definitely see live with me, if they ever come back in town.  She said her favorite song is Little Black Submarines.  I hadn't heard it, but immediately listened to it when I got home and loved it.  It reminds me a lot of Stairway, how it starts out with a slow, pared down guitar riff and amps into something huge and loud and awesome.  I couldn't believe I hadn't heard it before and thus decided it must be a lesser known track, one of those hidden gems (it's not!), and thanks to Jessica's excellent taste in music (which is true!), I now had this very cool song to add to my repertoire.  

Not long after this, I meet Olivia (a friend of Lila's from preschool) and by extension, I meet Olivia's parents.  I immediately liked both of them.  They are this amazing blend of smart, chill, creative, kind, and downright cool.  It's rare to find a complete couple that can be your friend individually.  I feel just as comfortable talking to Robert as I do to Lauren.  I wanted so very much to be their friend!  At some point, dying to impress her I think, we were talking about music and the Black Keys came up (or maybe they were playing?) and I asked Lauren if I knew Little Black Submarines.  Remember how I had decided the knowledge of this song means I must have excellent taste in music?  She had heard the song and agreed it's a good one.  Come to find out Lauren actually prefers the earlier stuff and knew more about the band's music than I do! 

What really ties Jessica and Lauren together are a couple things.  Not only have I become their friends, but my little family has been completely embraced by their families.  We are invited to family events and I also very much enjoy visiting with their parents.  They are my kind of people!  However the best end cap to this story is that last week I went to see the Black Keys with Jessica, Lauren, and Robert and we all had a fantastic time.  And yes.... we sang along to Little Black Submarines.  

Cool for the Summer by Demi Lovato

It was o'dark thirty in January 2016 on a very rainy morning.  I had grossly miscalculated the time it would take to get to the Oakland airport on a weekday.  I had booked myself on a 1-day trip to Anaheim.  I was just three weeks into working full time again and decided a 1-day, like literally a commute, to Anaheim was a great idea!  I am also someone who cannot stand being early to things so I strive for on time, which means i am almost always late.  Point in case.

I had left my crying 18 month old daughter on my dad's chest.  I was driving in the pouring rain at a frustratingly slow rate down Highway 24 towards Oakland.  It was probably around 5am, but the weather made things difficult.  I am notoriously bad at driving...in the rain...in the dark.... in the snow.... in general... so I was not only stressed out but also very uneasy.  As you know, I tend to get stressed out about anything outside of actual driving, so I ended up listening to Cool for the Summer several times.  I had recently "discovered" the song by subscribing to Apple Music and then searching for best of 2015 so I could be up on all the latest and greatest.  Mind you, I was playing this song over and over in the dead of winter, in the RAIN, but it is somewhat ominous and something in the riff suggests a .... as in you don't know what will happen.

Well, what happened is that I was completely panicked and absolutely certain I was going to miss my flight.  It wasn't a huge deal, i would miss the first bit of a training I wasn't even conducting, but all the same.  I flat out ran from my car to the terminal, bypassing the shuttle.  I arrived at the gate only to find out.... the flight had been delayed.  I made it.  One would think I learned my lesson, but sadly I have only gotten more complacent, which is a story for another song!